


paradies

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Closure, Dreams and Nightmares, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Lowercase, M/M, Revelations, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:40:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28142529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: at least in jaemin's own little paradise, his husband is still alive.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, side markhyuck - Relationship
Kudos: 8
Collections: Anonymous





	1. the end...?

**Author's Note:**

> i was doing meditation for the first time and i was so calm i came up with this ig lmao

jaemin stood leaning against the pillar at the far end of the corridor, away from the buzzing crowd who flooded into the church wearing the color that had so much meaning to him and renjun, but now only drove the blade in his heart further in.

the ash from his umpteenth stick of cigarrette fell onto his slightly wrinkled dress shirt and slid to the ground. his jet black hair was messy and unkempt, and with it, his matching eye bags that seemed to have taken the liberty of claiming his under eye as free real estate. he was dressed in nicely pressed suit today, black, just like everyone else who have gathered today.

he remembered the one time he wore something as fancy as this and stood here in the same spot, sans the smoking. it was years ago, when jaemin was at the peak of his golden years as renjun and him had gotten married in the same church they're at right now. with his suit was a nice brooch that renjun himself picked for him. except now renjun isn't standing, he was lying down, in that awful square, (cuboid, no. casket, but jaemin couldn't care.) cold and alone, and deprived of his husband the same way his husband was deprived of him.

jaemin felt his tears well up in his already painful eyes, suddenly angered by how much he had cried before he slapped the cigarrette he was holding in the ground and stomped on it repeatedly. he stomped, and stomped, and stomped, and cried his heart out and threw his fists around in the empty air around him in frustration as he stumbled and fell on his bum on the concrete pavement. his tears were now in free flow. the little commotion didn't go by unseen by the crowd already settled in the pews, a few of them getting up to come collect the fallen man.

jisung was the first to appear by his side. despite the daggers he was being sent from jaemin's stare telling him to 'back the fuck away,' jisung couldn't, in his right mind, leave the man who was like his own brother to fight this battle alone, especially since he was there the whole journey, watching the two of them bloom and wilt, and turn into the way they were today. he knew how deeply in pain jaemin was, and he was not about to let him get swallowed entirely by it.

and then was jeno, his best friend, who unlike jisung who has seen the whole journey of renjun and jaemin together, had instead, been with jaemin his whole life. he was there when both of jaemin's parents died in a road accident and his parents adopted jaemin, he was also there when jaemin overcame his fears and finally got his driving licence. the two of them grew up practically attached to the hips until jeno decided to go on to study overseas. and knowing jaemin, he knew better than to leave him alone to dwell in his sorrows.

the two young men hefted the fallen man up and out of the onlookers' sights, dragging jaemin, who didn't even put up a fight, to one of the benches in the garden of the church.

"jaemin—" jeno began, but was abruptly silenced when he was faced with jaemin's raised palm. his face was lowered and out of both jeno and jisung's sights, but they didn't need to see him to know that he was crying from the way his shoulders shook. so instead of saying anything, jeno and jisung each sat down next to their beloved friend and enveloped him in a warm and tight hug.

· · ───── ·𖥸· ───── · ·

the wailing sounds reverberated in the main hall of the church, family, friends, and relatives and jaemin came to pay their respects for the last time before renjun was sent away. 

jaemin could not stand anywhere closer than the front pew as renjun's family hogged the attention by standing next to the casket and crying. but he sure knew those were crocodile tears, because for all the years alive and kicking, he had seen and heard enough about them to know they never cared about their gay son after he ran away from home to elope with jaemin. they never called, cut off all contacts, as if renjun was a stain to their name. seeing them now makes jaemin's blood boil. it was him who was there for renjun all these years, so why are they the ones hogging the control?

when most of the people had left and jaemin could finally take a look at his beloved husband in the casket for the last time, he could feel it—the gaze boring holes into the back of his head, the judgemental stare of renjun's parents as he took his time to say his goodbyes.

the moment renjun was buried underground was when jaemin's heart dropped so deep, nothing else could ever pick it back up again. in a way, now it was set in stone that renjun, the man who gave him the energy to function, the happiness to conquer his stress, the prettiest apple of his eyes, and just the little ball of sunshine in his life, shining delicately on him and keeping him warm and sane and happy. for the two years they were married, and five years they were together, jaemin was happy. he was so ridiculously happy that the stark contrast now had him balancing off a thin line into insanity.

it's only been three days since renjun left, and the world already feels barren. like the world after demeter loses her daughter, persephone to hades, the god of death. funny how they used to joke about being persephone and hades because jaemin decided to dress up as hades one halloween a while too long ago. now he was here, eating it up like demeter. but unlike persephone, jaemin knew renjun would never come home to him the way persephone could still go home to her mother.

jeno offered to drive him home, but he declined and drove home on his own. the world is empty without the man he called home sitting next to him. he slapped a cd into the player and played something he never knew he had. he never thought he needed to, because he figured that by the time he was too old and his eyes were too blurry for the road and his limbs beef chowder weak, he would still have the melodious voice laughing that beautiful laugh beside him, a laugh that would trump over any music he had. his tired eyes welled up with tears again at the thought but luckily-unluckily, he arrived home safely.

the night fell and jaemin hadn't eaten. he hadn't moved from his seat on the couch, staring at the cream-colored wall unmovingly. his mind swam in random bits of memories and thoughts, lots to unpack but he was too tired to do so. he just let the walls, which once helped capture the coziness in the apartment of the family of two, that became cold and lifeless in a split second cave in on him. jaemin felt like the floor was swallowing him whole as he blacked out.

...

...

...

jaemin wakes up with a throbbing pain in the front of his head. he wishes he'd waken up to another reality where his husband didn't get stolen into the cradle of death and away from him, but the coldness in the living room reminds him of the departure of his ray of joy.

the next day he was already working, coffee set to boil as he began shuffling through all of renjun's stuff—emails, messages, social medias, and the lot of it. it took him a whole day of sitting at the foot of their wide bed and another wave of sobbing to rifle through those, especially his social media, which held lots of their memories and pictures of himself with renjun. he didn't know why he would want to hurt himself like that, but his honeymoon trip to crema, italy because they both love call me by your name so much, their first epic battle at coin karaoke, his hand holding renjun's in a picture showing off their rings... all of that just had so much power to them that jaemin could not, for the love of all things renjun, ignore the draw, even if it meant he was bound on a trip down the most painful memory lane.

renjun's will was settled easily, since he wrote everything for jaemin. his family had no say and disappeared as quickly as they came when they heard they were getting nothing from it. he even overheard some of them saying that it was a 'waste of time to come so far for the funeral and get nothing.' in a way, jaemin was glad that they both impulsively went to write their wills after one of their friends got caught in a legal battle with the family after their husband died too. 

that night, jaemin went to bed alone. he tucked his face into renjun's pillows and cried, but he was careful not to let his scent cover renjun's. he had already planned his life ahead and most of the plans included renjun. without his man by his side, jaemin suddenly felt so lost. he didn't understand why when he'd already experienced it once with his parents, it would still hurt him so, so much when it happened again.


	2. donghyuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the friend whose husband died has something to tell jaemin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was slightly inspired by an episode of black mirror where a woman's husband died and a lady friend offered to sign her up for this weird technology service lmfao

jaemin still hasn't gotten used to the lack of renjun in his life. his bed was unmade when he came home from a tired day of work. there was no one to talk to when he's cooking in the kitchen, no shoulder to lean on when he almost fell asleep on the couch watching tv, no warmth other than his own to cling onto in a cold stormy night and a cute ear to bite and whisper sweet nothings to. life without renjun was life without life itself, going to work and coming home to shower has no more meaning, watering the plants have no more meaning, keeping the little cat renjun begged him to keep has no more meaning, and jaemin would sometimes stand, clothes still intact, under the running shower head, as if removing his clothes to wash up had lost its meaning too. finally when he couldn't tell if the water sliding down his face were from his tears or from the shower head, jaemin sometimes wonder what he was still doing here if renjun was already gone.

he decided that his friends can be the reason.

they were so precious after all. whether it was jeno, donghyuck, or jisung, or even renjun's cousin, chenle, who had moved to korea and only met him a few times when renjun was still alive, whose korean still sounds a bit funny sometimes and would come to visit him with jisung, jaemin tells himself that these people are his sole reason to remain here, to keep fighting the sinking feeling in his chest that came when his lover left. so he welcomes them with gentle smiles and warm hugs (like the ones they used to avoid wholeheartedly.) it's nothing like renjun's, not the familiar and affectionate way his husband fell into his arms even when he was smelly from being stuck in suit for a whole day. but when the taller or bigger lads almost physically shrink themselves just to accommodate to jaemin, he knew he had continue being strong for them, even if it was a false front, for them.

one rainy day, donghyuck had showed up to his door, his expression unreadable as jaemin invited him in. by this time, jaemin has already found some strength in him to build himself back up. his smiles were no longer forced just to keep his friends happy, the weight in his heart began to lighten bit by bit, and these days, renjun's things no longer mean ultimate sadness and emptiness to him. they seem to bring back memories of happier days, like renjun was still here to envelop him in his warmth in spirit. for the first time in a long time, jaemin felt like, even though his lifeline had stopped about a year ago, he was ready to stand back up again, and let his heart beat the way it used to. but this day acted like a hammer to the wooden foundation he laid, ruining the sanity he had meditated and meditated for days after he was left to fend for himself.

"donghyuck-ah, what's wrong? do you need some water?" jaemin asked, the role finally reversed for the first time since renjun's passing, jaemin from being the one taken care of to the one taking care. donghyuck had told jaemin to come with him, eyes frantically darting everywhere as jaemin let his door snap shut by itself, following the tug of the smaller male to sit down on the couch in the middle of their house.  
  
"j-jaemin-ah, if i tell you this, you can't tell anyone else, okay?"

now jaemin used to be good at keeping secrets. if you need someone to help with a surprise without having them spoil it, jaemin is the man to go to. but after renjun had left with a huge chunk of him, jaemin wasn't even confident in his ability to keep any more weight on his overloaded shoulders anymore. but jaemin knew better than to let donghyuck keep whatever he was hiding alone. no one else knows the feeling of losing someone you love so dearly, and then subsequently your mind more than jaemin does. so if he had to tell a white lie to save his friend, he would have no choice but to do so. instead of doing what his mind and body told him to, jaemin decided to nod.

"so you see, mark-hyung isn't dead."

"um, what?" jaemin said after a beat.

"mark-hyung is still alive," donghyuck chimed in, as if this could provide any more information for jaemin to process than his previous sentence.

"i- no, hyuck. mark-hyung is... he's as dead as renjun, hyuck." at the mention of his lover's name, jaemin's throat went dry and his eyes welled up with tears but he quickly shook them away.

"no, you don't get it! it's so real, jaemin, it's like he's still alive! i've been doing this, this thing. they call it dream therapy. it's done by a very secluded society called paradise and i've been doing it since they told me mark-hyung died. and i promise you, it works, jaemin! it works like magic!" donghyuck's voice rose in volume and pitch the closer he got to the end. jaemin's lower lip quivered at the sight of donghyuck's frenzied eyes, frown morphing onto his forehead at his friend's obvious bluff. but he understood where this delusion was coming from. he raised a hand up to pat the male's shoulder, as if to provide him comfort. but the said male only flinched at the touch, frantic gaze back again as he swatted jaemin's hand away.

"you're sounding more and more impossible, hyuck," jaemin began scooting away from donghyuck, eyes unfocused and breathing shallow as he stood up from the couch to walk away towards his kitchen counter where his phone laid. "i'll call jeno up to come pick you. you've gone ma-"

"no, _don't_ \- you don't understand, jaemin. i'm telling you, it works! i've signed you up for it. the people at paradise will contact yo-" donghyuck followed suit, clambering up from his seat as he chased after jaemin whose breath became more shaky by the second as he dragged his thumb across the keypad. after renjun's departure, this was the first time jaemin had felt his panicky. at donghyuck's words, he looked up from his phone with his mouth agape, tears began to well up in his eyes as he spoke again.

"you did what?"

"jaemin, listen!" donghyuck hissed, already by jaemin's side before the latter could blink his tears away or back away. he reached forward to grab jaemin by his wrist, crazy eyes searching jaemin's. for the first time in a few months, jaemin was scared for his life, and it was because of his own friend. his trembling hand lost strength and his phone went clattering back on the quartz surface of the counter, and he was sobbing, trying to wring himself free from the vice-like grip of his friend.

"let go! donghyuck, you're hurting- let- you've gone, you've gone mad, donghyuck!" his tears were in free fall as he struggled against the other, who in normal times he could overpower easily but miraculously, not today.

"no, jaemin- i'm not crazy, i'm not lying! stop calling me that. i'm telling the truth, stop calling me that!" donghyuck's voice was reduced to absentminded mumblings, his grip finally loosening a bit at the prospect of him hurting his friend, providing a leeway for jaemin to break free from the tight grip and with all the strength left in him, shove donghyuck away from him. the amount of strength he used was apparent in the way the latter almost limblessly fell to the ground on his back, arm coming up to cover his face as he shrunk to the side in a sob.

in the end, jaemin did call jeno. poor boy was always stuck between his friends' businesses. he helped the two of them settle their issues, and made them hug it out, moving to hold each of their hands before smiling gently at them, like a loving mother doting on her naughty little boys. but when jeno asked about what actually happened between them, the both of them remained tight-lipped. jeno had no choice but to leave them be, for now, and went on to tuck jaemin into bed before giving donghyuck a lift home.

when jaemin went to sleep that night, a voice resembling donghyuck's rang in his head in an echoed loop, like an afterthought, a phantom of his memories. in a distance, jaemin could vaguely make out the words _dream_ , and another starting with _p_ , but he couldn't tell what it was. but as the dawn breaks, his dreams were ground into powder and turned into a dark, bitter and bottomless flask of espresso to go.


End file.
